WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Since being nominated to replace Kristi Noem as head of DHS on Thursday, Senator Markwayne Mullin has suddenly found himself romantically linked to her former chief of staff, Corey Lewandowski.

After receiving a barrage of late-night texts from Lewandowski, a flustered Mullin reportedly told associates, “This isn’t what I signed up for.”

At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that Mullin needs to give the relationship with Lewandowski “some time,” adding, “Corey can be a little rough around the edges, but Markwayne will learn to love him.”