Emasculating. What does that really mean, aside from the literal? [View all]

Last edited Sat Jan 12, 2013, 07:47 AM - Edit history (1)

Literal is easy, castration or penile amputation (such as for cancer) would be pretty much a tremendous emotional blow to any guy.

But, to say someone feels emasculated because of a comment or event, is that really any different from saying their sense of self esteem took a hit? Is there some specific way a negative life experience can make a man feel diminished in a way a woman could not be diminished?

I have been pretty open on DU about my recent experience in the mental health system, was diagnosed as bipolar and now recently diagnosed as also having PTSD from childhood abuse at the hands of my father. I took a big leap of faith and told my oldest sister about the events of the past six months, it went well, actually, and we ended up comparing notes from our childhoods about what we went through.

My father specifically degraded me as a teenager because I didn't live up to his standard of masculinity. Weak, not at all athletic, painfully withdrawn and socially awkward, bullied a lot in school, desperately too shy to even think about approaching girls, you get the picture, not exactly captain of the football team.

So, dear old dad, when he was pinning me down in the sight of a loaded rifle, or even when he wasn't, liked to specifically tell me I wasn't a man, was gay, weak, acted like a girl, was a piece of human garbage who deserved to die but wasn't worth going to prison over. Nice guy, my dad, not that I'm bitter about all of that or anything.

Given the fact that my father was a closeted transvestite with a tremendous range of mental health issues himself, I found all of his emotional abuse pretty disingenuous -- c'mon, the guy used to put on bras with foam falsies inside that made Dolly Parton look small, dress in satin panties, negligees, old fashioned nylons with garter belts, and had, in his twisted sick mind, a monthly period. And I was the one who wasn't man enough? Really, dad? Really?

Nice way for a boy to grow up, huh? It certainly destroyed my sense of self esteem, and looking back, it's probably pretty amazing that I took 47 years to end up in the psych ward, I'm surprised I didn't crack years ago. But, I guess because I knew at five, when I woke up to my first day of kindergarten to see dear old dad at the breakfast table in a normal, white t-shirt with the bra underneath, that El Perverto was NOT the standard of masculinity or the role model I needed to follow. And, given all of that, I think from a psycho-sexual perspective, I'm a pretty normal hetero guy with healthy attitudes about sex, relationships.

But I do question my masculinity in other ways -- am I too weak physically and emotionally? Am I too preoccupied with appearance, I admit I'm pretty vain when it comes to things like clothes? Not able to interact with other guys on the same level, since I don't really do a lot of "guy things" like play or watch team sports? Not into hunting, fishing, cars.

Then I turn it around and remind myself I'm NOT dad. Which helps a lot.

But taking it full circle, when I compared notes with my sister, who is 16 years older than I am, and was out of the house when the gun play started, I really can't say the emotional aftermath has been much different. She was more level headed. But the reactions we had to all of this seemed pretty consistent, no real difference except she didn't end up in the psych ward.

So, emasculated or just beaten down - is there really any difference?














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