Ok, here is my latest weird thing ... I'm meeting a trainer this morning about boxing lessons. [View all]

How weird is that? Even for me, kind of out there.

It's hard to explain why I want to do this, even to myself I think. I'm not, and never have been violent or aggressive, and I'm looking into low impact/minimal contact lessons, no actual potential for damage, because I enjoy having my teeth and a decent, unscarred face. I have never looked particularly favorably on it, it's kind of brutal taken to the actual competitive level. I certainly wouldn't want to hurt anyone else, not even inadvertently and with complete assumption of risk by both parties.

This stems from past experiences. My childhood left me completely fearful of, well, everything. Authority, confrontation, adverse situations. Always questioning myself and my self-worth. Never able to stand up for myself. As the psychiatrist said to me just this week, "you were a doormat". In particular, the father issues again, how he treated me, how he made me feel about myself.

I guess I feel like facing down an opponent, even if it's all just "pretend" with some guy who specifically isn't out to hurt me, would somehow be my way of facing down a man who has been dead for fourteen years and then telling him to go fuck off and get the hell out of my face and my life for good.

I don't know if I should do this... Maybe it's just too weird, even by my standards.