Unfortunately, he remains in my life because we share childcare duties. The pain I felt last December and well into April was breathtakingly awful. I believed as well that we were "til death do us part". I was wrong. For me, it began getting better, coincidentally when I broke my shoulder. You would think having more time to think would make it worse, but I really accelerated in the healing, probably because I started physical therapy and they had me working out hard. I still work out really hard and really consistently. I don't recommend breaking any bones, yours or others, but I can recommend the exercise, even if it's just a brisk walk a day. It helped me.
I took things down to "one minute at a time". I didn't allow myself my usual DOC but did allow a little less than perfect behavior, like watching too much Netflix and crappy Netflix at that. I allowed myself to play a really dumb video game that allowed me moments of not feeling. But as I felt I could, I felt. I screamed, I cried, I moaned with the pain. So many tears, so many longings, so much anger. And I went to a therapist. Religiously. I stopped this summer but realized that I needed to get back so I just made an appointment.
I'm over him but I know I'm not over the trauma. Why? Because I've embraced, tightly, the idea that I want to remain single for the last few decades of life (I just turned 50. Mr. Wonderful didn't even remember it was my Birthday). I think I really do want that, but until I can say it comfortably without noticing that I have concrete boundaries around it, I don't think I'm well yet. It hasn't been a year yet, so I don't see why I would be all better, right?
There's my SESH. I hope it helps. This is an awful time for you. Let it be awful but please try not to let it be an excuse. You deserve better.
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