I'm really hoping I have turned the corner... [View all]

Been in a RUT for a LOOOOONG time....
After losing my favorite job at the end of 2018 and being on & off disability ever since, add in a car accident and some awesome autoimmune disease... no question I have been depressed off the charts.

The last month has been just the darkest of the dark...middle of winter also doesnt help because I cant get outside and get the sun. Not to mention I hate the snow and the beach is my happy place.

I knew I had been also self-medicating more and more with alcohol. And that just makes everything worse... the pain in the body, the mood, the self loathing...yeah, everything. I was at least not drinking in the daytime, only at night "to help me sleep" = pass out. But your resistance builds up and you end up drinking more than you would expect...

So a funny thing happened. I got grounded in a way... my car is immobile until I can get some major funds and fix things. As a result, I no longer had freedom to go buy booze whenever. So i would run out between trips to the grocery store with friends and then have a few days of forced sobriety.

Lo and behold, I felt better.
I actually admitted to my daughter I was struggling with it. (both my kids know I like a cocktail, but me actually saying "Im trying to stop" is a big admission) And she gave me support, but in a non-expecting way. Just told me to be gentle with myself and let her know if I needed to talk.
That was the only person I told. Until the other day I broke down and told my best friend, who I also like to drink with. She told me she's not gonna be a parent and tell me no, that only I can shift it. (And we hung out last night and she got shitfaced and I only had one beer and 2 shots...what???)

Well I have gotten things done this week that I have put off for months. I got through some cleaning projects than have definitely kept me depressed as well.
I am sincerely hoping that I can continue the uphill swing.
I don't like AA, because it's the always in recovery idea, like you are never "done"... but I *will* take it a moment at a time and try to think about how much better I feel when I want to try and numb those 'whatever' feelings.

I posted this here instead of addiction & recovery cuz I have ALWAYS suffered from depression since I was a teen and didn't really get help for it till my late 20's
Im 50 now and the drinking thing has really been a recent way to hide from the things I ALREADY know from years of therapy etc.
It just goes to show we are a constant work in progress.
And LOVE of SELF is never easy...but it IS worth fighting for

thanks for letting me share...