Mom died a month ago... I am not okay (long post but I have to get it out) [View all]

I had major shoulder surgery early May...two days later, after resting and recovery I turned my phone back on and it was my dad calling... Found Mom on the bathroom floor, major stroke and she's careflighted to Reno.

The next day we had a "family meeting" in the hospital room (Me and my 20yr old daughter, older sister and Dad who has dementia). Mom was completelly paralyzed on the right side, cant speak, can only squeeze our hand and talk with her eyes. She knew EVERY word they said as they tried to convince my Dad that she wasnt coming back. Half her brain is fried (it was like her 4th stroke, the worst one yet) Her DNR and directive said NO efforts to be made. While they were talking about a feeding tube and such...she sqqueezed my hand and shook her head...she knew.
It took her 10 days to die... I only saw her once more after that. she cried and held my hand and I told her it was ok to go and we'd be ok. They finally got her comfortable enough to let go, but it was brutal that she had to know her body was shutting down etc. I told my sister we cant feel bad for the decision because being "locked in" was one of her greatest fears...so she really did need to go.

Older sis and I are NOT close by any means. And she's always been the one to control etc. Dad is staying with her because he can't be alone and is also severely depressed and his dementia took a big turn for the worse since she's gone. They were married 60 years, 2/3 of their lives... Now she had me shop for "facilities" but really is only interested in what's cheapest because she is afraid there wont be any inheritance left for her. (We have a Family Trust worth over 1M so she's just high...) She has the checkbook and control.

Meanwhle I'm trying to recover from surgery, I made the bruial arrangements, and we had our own little picnic for her the day she was interred. Just me and my daughter, our roommates and one of my oldest and dearest friends traveled up here to be support. We were allowed to open the casket and place a couple things inside and say goodbye.

These past couple weeks I'm slipping further into depression. I feel useless, drab and sick. I know I'm supposed to be "healing" but I have nothing to *do* (unemploed due to these injuries for now) I was supposed to have a college class to teach this summer, but it was cancelled, which is probably for the best since I wasnt prepared anyway.

Last night the GUILT hit me. That I should have visited her more in the hospital (even though I KNOW it upset her) I should have dont more or said more at her burial. I should be showing up more for my dad (even though my sister made it clear I'm not really welcome to just come over)
Then this morning the guilt dreams hit. That I was the one to find her on the floor, that I couldnt carry her or take care of her, that I didnt put her in the bed right so she flopped on the floor etc

I'm no stranger to therapy...I've worked with a person for over 25 years and knows my family dynamics and has even met my mom. But I'm thinking I need to pursue something more agressive. My roommate has found good care through the county mental health dept and has reached out to her person to see if they can get me an intake appointment faster. I already take Cymbalta and have for years... but maybe I need something more till I can get through this crap.

I still have to deal with cleaning out the house to sell...and the cabin here in Tahoe that my daughter is currently living in will have to also be cleared out. I'm sure my sister will just wanna liquidate everything. Then there's Dad, so lost...I dont think he will make it to the end of the year. And if she tries to put him in a crappy facility, he'll go even faster. I am trying to heal my relationship with her by offering to help with research etc...but then after doing all the work she just left it...and we missed an opportunity for him to be in a home situation. And I cant PUSH her, because she'll just get nasty and I dont want to deal with that on top of everything, it's like walking on eggshells.

I dont know why else Im posting here but that I needed to get off my chest. My roommate says she'll take me to the ER to get an anti anxiety or sedative but I dont just wanna sleep through this... besides, I REALLY CAN'T handle more dreams.
As soon as I finish my coffee, I'm calling mental health....