Mental Health Support

Sometimes the only way you can deal with a situation you can't control is to walk away. Eventually my parents decided they wanted to be in contact with me badly enough that they managed to be civil about it, because I'd demonstrated that walking away was an option. After that gap we were able to have the occasional visit. Mom died about 10 years ago and since then Dad and I have met every week or two to see a movie in the town midway between the places we live.

The key for me was to understand that the arguments we had were never about the things they seemed to be about, they were about control. As long as I gave them control they used it to push the illusion that I couldn't possibly live without them and needed them. You're right to use the word gaslighting for this behavior on your Mom's part. The only way to win this kind of situation is to show that you DO. NOT. CARE. Nothing else will work. Once they get that message, they may or may not see their way clear to dealing with you in a more productive fashion. And whether they do or not, que sera sera.