Mental Health Support

While not quite as abusive, I had a very similar relationship with my mother. Dad was a wimp who cowered under her abuse, but was also abusive in his own ways. I never could trust them with anything- not truth, love or friendship.

As the oldest, I was thrown out of the house on my 18th birthday and left for safer pastures. In my case, that was hitchhiking around the country. I felt much safer in the care of strangers than I had at home. Three years later, I married into the best family I could have ever imagined. I then began to understand the unconditional love of parents, and was able to eventually pass that on to my own children.

Our kids grew up knowing love from us and one set of grandparents. Mom made it clear to my wife upon seeing her first grandchild "I never babysit, and I don't change diapers". Well, she never had to worry about that, as the kids were afraid of her and our visits were as short as possible. They usually saw their grand-kids for about 10 minutes per year. We were all quite happy with that. They chose to spend lots of time with my wife's family and I enjoyed being in that family too. I felt safe there.

When growing up, I thought that my home was normal, but once I started dating my now wife and saw how her family interacted with each other that my upbringing was not right. Depression runs strong in my family, both my parent as well as both sisters and my brother all have it. Of course, Mom saw that as a weakness or a spiritual malady, one that you could never take any drugs for. So she continued to be a controlling, manipulative terror to everyone around her. I knew that I would never get to have a normal talk with her this side of heaven, and so we saw less and less of each other through the years.

Finally, senility set in with her as well as Dad. Once placed in a nursing home they started taking anti-depressants so that they wouldn't be such assholes to the staff. The staff lied to them and said it was vitamins. It was as if she had forgotten how to be a bitch. For the first time in my whole life she was able top say a few nice things to me. Although I never heard her ever say that she loved me, or that I had done anything well. Oh well, guess that's asking too much. After 5+ decades, I was still not willing to let down my shields, which is sad, but essential for my own survival. She & Dad have been gone now for 8 years or so, and I do not miss them, although I do thank God for that little glimpse into a healthy but Alzheimer's riddled mind.

So that's my story. My advice to you is to keep your distance, keep your shields up around her and all of your family. Keep your ears open for any chance to reconnect with siblings, it is sad that they are taking the side of the abuser, but it is to be expected. Yeah, it's a survival technique that I've learned exists, even though I never practiced it. I remain close to all my friends in the community we live in. My best source of support is from a local recovery group. They have become my closest friends, next to my wife.

You will be in my prayers.