ECT does not seem true to its promise. Damn this retrograde amnesia. [View all]

WARNING: THIS GETS HEAVY.

I started ECT on May 15. Two treatments remain: August 9 and September 6. I posted about this in the Lounge on June 21. https://www.democraticunderground.com/10181839933

I have been told by many mental health professionals that my depression will lift and my memory will return. If I had to give my verdict today, it would be one word: bullshit.

It's bad enough that I am experiencing no relief, not at any level, from my depression.

But the retrograde amnesia is killing me. There's not enough time on earth for me to list all that I've forgotten, but it ranges from little things (how to get somewhere I've driven to a thousand times) to astonishingly huge things. One of these was that I had to ask my best friend, whom I've known for nearly 30 years, and who lives a thousand miles away, if he attended my 60th birthday party. (He did, of course.)

WARNING: HEAVY
But the thing that's laid me out flat this week is this: I could not remember how my mother died. I remembered when: December 10, 1974. But not how. So, knowing it could be a downer to get this "news," I asked my eldest sister to tell me. My mother took her own life. My sister gently reminded me of this, including describing an incident the night before mother's death - which, all things considered, I am absolutely shocked to have forgotten.

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I must insert here that something good came from my mother's suicide: my lifelong vow that I will never take my life. I've been on this miserable road since 1986 and I have never contemplated suicide, thanks to my mother.

Many of my fellow DUers have been very supportive as I've been going along with ECT, and I can't express my gratitude adequately. Thank you all, and thank you for reading this post. Only now do I realize that this essay has been searing within me for days.