I have had a startling and comforting revelation today. [View all]

After reading online and watching some videos, I believe that I have autism, the high functioning kind.

As I read and confirmed the traits of someone with autism, I was checking off the boxes, immediately remembering instances and experiences from my childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, up to now.

Until now, I just shrugged off these memories as growing pains, but I never let go of them. Stuff that didn't make sense, such as unduly walking on tiptoes, being a very finicky eater, talking in a singsong voice, and more. And these things drove my father crazy, agitating him. (I'm also wondering whether my father was a high-functioning autistic individual as well.)

I don't have these traits (to my knowledge) at this time, although autism never leaves you; you just learn to manage it if you're high-functioning.

It's comforting because to me, it explains a lot of personal imponderables.

I'm not going to go to a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis. First, it's not worth the expense to me. Second, I can live with this revelation.

But today, it just feels weird. I see it as assuming a new identity and not as a deficit.