There was a time when bumpers actually did do their job: a magical era of time between 1974 and 1982, when federal regulations mandated 5 mph bumpers. These were bumpers that could take a solid, brutal 5 mph whack and exhibit no damage at all.

This was the era of those large diving-board bumpers with thick black rubber inserts and fat, chunky black rubber bumper guards. They’re the bumpers that people don’t want, like the ones on say, BMW 2002s or MGBs.