Today marks one month since she died [View all]

Sometimes it seems like much longer, sometimes like it was just a few days ago. I'm still kinda reeling from all of this. I handle it pretty good most of the time, but still find myself lamenting daily. I guess that's normal. Everything in the house reminds me of her, so it's not like there's anything in particular that sets me off. I donated a lot of her stuff to a local charity a few days ago and I know that's what she would have wanted. I have a mountain of medical bills to start going through. I have been just letting them stack up until I can figure all this insurance crapola out. I have the resources to pay everything, but I want to make sure my insurance company does their part.

It still seems she's coming home anyday now, but I know she's not. I've been to a couple of parties since her death and felt like a fifth wheel without a partner. Guess I better get used to that, or just avoid the parties. The fridge, once always full of last nights leftovers, is now pretty bare, and the cabinets are thinning out, too. I don't cook that much, and a lot of the stuff in the pantry will never get used, so I guess I will donate that stuff to a shelter.

What now? I'm 57, retired and single. First time in 36 yrs. Carol and I talked about what we would do if the other one died, and we both said we would move out of this huge house. She was going to move in with her best friend if I had died. I said I would get an apartment or something with no maintenance. But, I'll need a couple of years to get this house ready to sell and dispose of a lot of stuff. I have even thought about bulldozing it and building a new house. That would be expensive, but I like it here, I just don't need 4000 sq ft of house. Might look at getting something small on the waterfront (I live at a lake).

It's hard to make any plans with so much left to do, so I just keep busy doing what needs to be done. I don't like the lonliness at all, and I can see why a lot of people get involved with someone new fairly soon after the death of a spouse. But, I have also read enough about it to know that might not be a wise thing to do. We are so vulnerable at this point, and I am not emotionally available for any relationships right now. Been spending a lot of time on grief forums to see what others do to ease the pain. I don't do hobbies as there never seemed to be enough time for them. Now I have the time, but not the desire.

Oh well, thanks for reading my ramblings. Woke up at 2:30 am this morning and couldn't sleep, so......