Bereavement

I recently had a near-death experience and spent 3 weeks in intensive care with heart failure, hovering close enough to the Gate to hear the Angel of Death flap his wings...

All I could think of was "I'm barely 50 years old. This isn't fair. This can't be real. Dammit, how can this be real? Oh God, how will I tell my wife? How will she cope?. This isn't fair. Death is for other people, not me. Oh God, how can life continue as normal for the people outside my window? I hate them. How can the doctors and nurses joke and laugh when the universe will end soon? God, this can't be real... Death is for other people... This is is so unreal... It's supposed to me at the other side of the bed providing false comfort to the patient, not me BEING the patient... This can't be real.... I am the protagonist in this story, aren't I? It can't happen to me... When I die, the universe dies... Oh God, let me live -- my wife can't cope. God, even though I don't believe in you, I'm sincerely asking you to let me live for her sake. I'm not being selfish -- She can't cope. This is really happening -- I won't wake up from this to find it was just a dream..."

As it happens, I'm making a spectacular recovery and feel terrific, contrary to what three doctors and a senior nurse told me to expect. I've made out my will, and thrown out a tonne of stuff I don't want to be found after my death, but I feel so liberated and alive right now you wouldn't believe. I'm as giddy as a schoolboy.

Have I learnt anything from this? I don't know. Just that a human life is too short. Having lived a half-century, I can envision a full century. It's not enough for me . Not nearly enough. Not by a long shot. I'd need a thousand years just to read the books I've already bought... A thousand years, please. It's not too much to ask... is it?

No wonder Blade Runner is my favourite film. Man confronts his maker and asks why he has so little time. The maker doesn't know. Man kills his maker. Man accepts his lot. Man dies....

Reading this back, I think I sound self-involved and Narcissistic. I don't think I'd like me, if this were all I know about me.

So, life is too short. Big insight, eh? Woohoo!

Please indulge and forgive me.