rough night tonight [View all]

still is

going on six months since i lost my little furkid and i'm still not over her, still haven't cried enough (apparently)

maybe it's a combination of things in my life -- not sure, but it always comes back to these losses

seems the past six months my mourning for my mom took a dramatic shift when my little girl dog passed--every bit of grief was transferred to the new loss

tonight was the first time since 1974 where i wrapped christmas presents without a dog around. i wrap them on the living room floor and there is always the concern about them getting into something they shouldn't, stepping on the paper and ripping it, etc.

not tonight. first time in 39 years. and i realized this when i was wrapping. and strangely enough it didn't seem to bother me. i finished what i set out doing.

and then
i fell apart.
not because of the 39 year deal.
but because i miss her -- so much.

i was thinking how some people believe we come into this life to learn lessons, or to serve a purpose, help others, etc. and when we have completed what we initially set out to do (in our pre-life existence) then we leave this life.
well...if that's the case then why did my little friend, my companion, leave when she did? does that logic of pre-life planning apply to animals as well? or what changed in me or in my life that somehow gave the universe the okay to take her away?

she was getting old, but she could have had more time. and it's not like she was sick or anything. she just stopped eating. and for a week i tried to hold onto her, and i couldn't. i couldn't--i lost her anyway. why? what purpose did it serve for me to have to lose her when i did? and she loved me, she was my little shadow, she never would have chosen to leave me.

bad night tonight.

i sleep with her little fuzzy pink coat cuddled in my arms, by my face, against my heart. sometimes i sit with it on my lap and run my hand across it, over and over, feeling the softness of it, feeling the soft collar. and last night when i lifted it up from my lap a little bit and looked at it, suddenly it hit me--it's EMPTY!
it's empty, it's empty, it's empty...oh my god...!

sometimes we read/listen to/watch things that mirror our feelings, or (in this situation), our sadness, our grief. and tonight, during a major crying jag (that, hours later, hasn't fully subsided), i thought of this song (and except for the break with talking) it really mirrors the depths i've been in tonight. i put the dvd in, watched it (thought it might help to get it out of my system--it didn't).

so sad tonight.
here's the song: (only the version i watched was from a movie)