Soon my daddy will be gone and I feel so helpless. [View all]

He has had prostate cancer for several years and it has spread to his bones and most likely starting to affect his vital organs. I saw him briefly a week ago and he was very thin and confused.

He adopted me when I was three years old. I am the product of a previous marriage. My mother left my father not knowing she was pregnant and daddy married her after I was born and she was able to divorce my biological father. Then he adopted me.

I have always been an outcast in my family. Not the real daughter according to my half sister who tormented me relentlessly. He has been a very good father. He took good care of mother and helped make a way for me.

When I was in high school I noticed that his mother, that I considered my grandmother, didn’t have a picture of me on the shelves with the other grandchildren and he took a picture, framed it and when he and I went for a visit he put it on her shelves with the others. I never saw it there again because grandmother kept it in a drawer after that but that act of kindness on his part meant so much.

He spent most of his life helping others. After over thirty years in the military he retired at top grade having reached as high as he could achieve. Then his volunteer career began. For more than twenty years after retirement he volunteered in every way imaginable.

Mostly for the community at large as a member of various boards. He was a Guardian Ad Litem. His caseload usually thirty or more at risk children. He was instrumental in creating a rape crisis center, a non profit psychological services center, worked to establish Big Brothers and Sisters in the county and received an award from the governor for his many good works.

Now he is close to death and Covid means that I can't be there for him. He does have my half sister who lives there and has been guilt tripping me because she wants nothing to do with the situation. My mother is there but she has had a long battle with depression, is a suicide survivor and has brain damage as a result of her attempt. She is suffering from a multi infarct dementia as well.

I want to help but when I went to see him they treated me like I was in the way. My sister said that I was being ridiculous because I masked up and practiced distancing.

I am used to being an outcast, frequently reminded I'm not the real daughter or a real sister. That's probably why I'm a loner. I wish I could help some way but I know that they really don't want me there.

He's been a really good daddy and I wish he could be with us just a little bit longer. I worry about what mother will do. I know her heart will be broken. I just want him to be with her a little while longer.

If I could make a deal with the devil to make that happen I would do it in a heart beat. Just a little bit longer. But I know he's near the end.

My sister is angry because I am not helping her. She's been complaining about me not helping and that she's going to have to take care of mother when he's gone. She thinks I should just ignore Covid because it is a hoax. She has not been practicing any precautions. I am not interested in risking my health because she wants to do her thing and not have to "deal with everything."

Mother is angry. My half sister is angry and daddy, who's been the glue, always telling us that he was "taking care of his girls" is slipping away.

I am devastatingly sad. I just got off the phone with mother. The nurse was there and again I'm just interrupting. There's nothing I can do. I am crying uncontrollably. I just need to get it all out.Then try to keep it together because it is going to get much worse and I have to be prepared. Thanks for reading this. I love my DU family. Everyone here means so much to me. Thank you.

❤ lmsp