The DU Lounge

Ziggysmom

(4,041 posts) Tue Dec 23, 2025, 01:59 PM Dec 23

261

Well, it's done. My husband is in a memory care facility. The first 24 hours [View all]

have been hell, even though the facility and staff have been great. He is scared and lonely, calls me telling me he won’t eat.

Any suggestions from DUers who have been down this road, too?

Every inch of my being wants to go out and bring him home
I know he would not be safe at home anymore and past aggressive confusion episodes left me with bruises. I was his caretaker for five years while also working full time until I couldn’t function any more. Now I feel like a guilty failure.

Oh Lord, this is so hard. Reading DU REALLY HELPS. I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON.

A big hug to everyone

88 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

Well, it's done. My husband is in a memory care facility. The first 24 hours [View all] Ziggysmom Dec 23 OP

Sweetie, you did the right thing. SheltieLover Dec 23 #1

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You cared for him out of love and you put him in the facility out of love. CousinIT Dec 23 #2

You're doing the best thing for you and your husband, even though he might not think so. Perhaps the SWBTATTReg Dec 23 #3

Some good advice re the memory care place. electric_blue68 Dec 23 #67

Hugs to you Duncanpup Dec 23 #4

This heartbreaking moment is truly an important accomplishment. enough Dec 23 #5

Had to send my Mom to a memory care facility because she had become too confused to live at home Ocelot II Dec 23 #6

Oh, my dear. I have no advice except to say please know you have done the right thing for him, Scrivener7 Dec 23 #7

You identified the key issue. You couldn't function anymore Raven123 Dec 23 #8

I worked in a short-term psych facility years ago TBF Dec 23 #9

Comfort and acceptance a nurse gave me Marthe48 Dec 23 #10

100% certain you are doing the right thing. Irish_Dem Dec 23 #11

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KIND WORDS OF SUPPORT! Ziggysmom Dec 23 #12

Good on him... CousinIT Dec 23 #70

I'm sorry you're going through this JoseBalow Dec 23 #13

No personal experience, but have you tried the Seniors forum? Wounded Bear Dec 23 #14

Everyone has said what I wanted to say! OldBaldy1701E Dec 23 #15

This message was self-deleted by its author Tetrachloride Dec 23 #16

Ziggysmom, please try to look at it this way... LuckyCharms Dec 23 #17

You are doing the right thing. murielm99 Dec 23 #18

One of the things this place is really good for: moral support. calimary Dec 23 #19

Yes, and you are doing the right thing relayerbob Dec 23 #20

Dear Ziggysmom Niagara Dec 23 #21

I can't offer any helpful advice; I read such posts with interest myself because every day brings me closer to the day eppur_se_muova Dec 23 #22

You cannot help him bluescribbler Dec 23 #23

You aren't a failure you just faced reality. Every Sat for ten years we drove an hour to visit my twodogsbarking Dec 23 #24

Love to you, Ziggysmom. littlemissmartypants Dec 23 #25

Please don't let the guilt take you Easterncedar Dec 23 #26

The other thing you should know: Irish_Dem Dec 23 #27

Irish_Dem is correct. TomSlick Dec 23 #65

Thanks Tom. I know you have seen this kind of situation go sideways fast Irish_Dem Dec 23 #68

Oh how my heart goes out to you Ziggysmom! You have been lovingly hoeing this tough tough row for so long and now this KitFox Dec 23 #28

Going through this with my mom right now. Botany Dec 23 #29

Hugs to you. sinkingfeeling Dec 23 #30

Please don't beat yourself up.. please! mountain grammy Dec 23 #31

You are not alone. JustinBulletin Dec 23 #32

You did the right thing. He will be angry for a while. Linda ladeewolf Dec 23 #33

Care giver or wife? Dear_Prudence Dec 23 #34

You did the right thing for yourself and most importantly, for your husband. MIButterfly Dec 23 #35

Safety first, for yourself and your husband. Much comfort to you both for the holidays and beyond 💚 Clouds Passing Dec 23 #36

First off, I'm so sorry Katcat Dec 23 #37

You did the right thing cate94 Dec 23 #38

All I can give you is this. mwmisses4289 Dec 23 #39

As SheltieLover said, you did the right thing irisblue Dec 23 #40

Take care, Ziggysmom otchmoson Dec 23 #41

Guilt comes with the territory xuplate Dec 23 #42

It's ok to give up the caretaker role and go back to being a spouse angrycaveman Dec 23 #43

It's so hard, but you hung in there until there was no other choice. tanyev Dec 23 #44

I can't imagine how you feel Sailingdiver Dec 23 #45

Time is the best and hardest method. Whatever you do, do not feel guilty. He is with trained and empathetic ... marble falls Dec 23 #46

Hugs to you, you did what was necessary for him ascwell as you. Srkdqltr Dec 23 #47

If Alzheimer's ... IbogaProject Dec 23 #48

Be gentle to yourself justsomeguy01 Dec 23 #49

My suggestion to you is visit him as much as you can. That's about the only thing you can do. Fil1957 Dec 23 #50

My heart goes out to you. Hope22 Dec 23 #51

When my dad started having aggressive confusion episodes KS Toronado Dec 23 #52

Your really had no choice, Tesha Dec 23 #53

Do not feel guilty ms.pamela Dec 23 #54

My mom and her sisters tried to keep my grandmother at home. HeartsCanHope Dec 23 #55

Are you able to visit him often, like several times a week? FakeNoose Dec 23 #56

See if the staff social worker or whomever has suggestions. 3Hotdogs Dec 23 #57

Hugs to you in making this life-altering decision stollen Dec 23 #58

Oh, my dear. I wish I could hug you. You did the right thing. Joinfortmill Dec 23 #59

You've done well and him a favor. Festivito Dec 23 #60

Hang in there. D00ver66 Dec 23 #61

My friend had to put her husband in a facility days before their 50th anninversary. TNNurse Dec 23 #62

You've received so much valuable affirmation here and there's badhair77 Dec 23 #63

I'm reading your message, and all the repliles, slightlv Dec 23 #64

Blessings to you on this difficult journey Richluu Dec 23 #66

For both your safety and his you had to do it, even with your understandable feelings... electric_blue68 Dec 23 #69

There is a book which might help lonely bird Dec 23 #71

Hugs! radical noodle Dec 23 #72

You're human GAJMac Dec 23 #73

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but you did the right thing. Trueblue Texan Dec 23 #74

you did the right thing, and chaos in the first 24 hours is to be expected Skittles Dec 23 #75

Oh, Ziggysmom, I'm so very sorry. hamsterjill Dec 23 #76

Bring some of his favorite foods for Christmas and leave some with staff to give him. Liberty Belle Dec 23 #77

You've done the right thing, for him more than yourself. Ilsa Dec 24 #78

Breathe Deeply, light a candle, put your feet up. Teacher of the Year Dec 24 #79

I have nothing to offer except respect for the fact that you handled it for five years and had the LoisB Dec 24 #80

Doing what is best for dear husband rather than what he or you may want takes the most love ❤️. MLAA Dec 24 #81

You have done the right thing. PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 24 #82

I have no words other than, my heart truly goes out to you Woodycall Dec 24 #83

NEVER doubt your decision WinstonSmith4740 Dec 24 #84

You have done the best for him. TygrBright Dec 24 #85

I'll be traveling down this road myself someday Omaha Steve Dec 24 #86

You need a really big hug malaise Dec 24 #87

Memory care maliaSmith Dec 24 #88