Bereavement

not just for your loss but for your suffering and having to associate your parents' deaths with major holidays.

When I was 13 my father dropped dead of a heart attack; he was 49. Twelve years later, to the day (the anniversary is 23November, 1968 and 1980 were the years), my mother died at 54 after she had a catastrophic stroke followed by an extremely aggressive cancer. She was 54. I was orphaned at 25. When I was 45, my daughter was killed at 21 years old.

I tell you this because I have a suggestion for you, and that is grief counseling. There is a danger with grief in that it can become chronic, and your comment, "And now I'm stuck going over the final weeks of her life, and then her death, all the time," leaves me fearful that you may be falling into that trap.

Having said that, in my opinion the fact that you continue to grieve deeply for your mother nearly a year later is not in itself evidence that your grief has become chronic. When you lose someone so important to you, it takes time, often more time than many people believe it should, to work through that grief.

Following my daughter's death i found grief counseling very helpful. I think it could be for you as well. Take as much time as you need to work your way through this pain, but I promise you, it can and should get better.