A brief review of McConnell’s disgraceful behavior during the Trump era—also known as the Fourth Reich—confirms that “mcconnell” would indeed be a worthy replacement for “quisling” in the dictionary. Before Trump was elected, McConnell had already spent decades doing everything in his power to make the United States unfit for human habitation. Specifically, he worked tirelessly to ensure that as many Americans as possible were killed by guns.

Whenever gun control legislation was proposed in the wake of a mass shooting, you could count on Mitch to discourage his fellow senators from taking any action that might prevent similar tragedies in the future. After a mass shooting in his home state of Kentucky in 1989, he warned, “We need to be careful about legislating in the middle of a crisis.” Yes, because… wait, why, exactly?

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Though his Senate record inflicted grievous harm on the United States, it was his behavior during Trump’s second impeachment trial that clinched his place in the pantheon of American quislings. After Trump incited the insurrection at the US Capitol on January 6, 2021, McConnell said, “If this isn't impeachable, I don't know what is.” The House of Representatives heartily agreed, voting to impeach Trump for a historic second time.

As Senate Minority Leader, McConnell could have tried to whip enough votes to convict Trump—but instead, he voted to acquit. Wanting to have it both ways, he excoriated the former president after his acquittal, declaring, "There's no question that President Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day." ...

McConnell’s recent behavior suggests he might be a tad worried about his place in history—snugly between Benedict Arnold and Judas Iscariot. In an eleventh-hour bid for redemption, he cast votes against the confirmation of some of Trump’s most ludicrous Cabinet-level nominees: Pete Hegseth, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and Tulsi Gabbard. But those totally meaningless and symbolic votes can’t erase the damage done by the vote of his that counted most: his vote to acquit Trump. That’s the vote McConnell’s prosecutors are sure to hammer away at in his eventual tribunal.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the decision by the producers of “Hamilton” to withdraw the show from the Kennedy Center, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would replace the production with a new musical, “Burr.”

The show, which will star Ted Nugent as Aaron Burr, will be produced by a new patron of the arts, The National Rifle Association.

“‘Hamilton,’ quite frankly, is no great loss,” Trump said. “It was an unsuccessful musical that no one wanted tickets for.”

“Burr is my kind of American hero,” he added. “He shot a guy.”

want to construct a clusterfuck? it’s easy.

start with the smoking rubble of a burned-out brain in steep cognitive decline. add a dollop of acute megalomania. pour in a generous amount of greed. now add the impulse control of a coked-up squirrel. toss in some ignorance, along with the inability to learn from mistakes, or even admit that mistakes were made.

now take that shitpile of defects, shake well, and bingo! you’ve ended up with Donny Convict’s completely incoherent tariff policies. on February 2nd, Donny announced he was slapping a 25% tariff on all Canadian and Mexican imports. markets crashed — the Dow dropped 600 points in one day.

the very next day, Donny announced that he was putting a month-long hold on the tariffs, because both Canada and Mexico agreed to his list of demands. the markets calmed down. but then out of the clear blue, Donny was all fuck it, ima do these tariffs anyway — starting tomorrow. have fun!

markets freaked out all over again. so did business leaders.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being called a historic performance, on Tuesday night Donald J. Trump set a new world record for delivering the longest speech that did not include a single fact.

Congressional Republicans were awestruck by their leader’s ability, at the age of 78, to give such a sustained fact-free oration.

“To stand up there for 99 minutes and not accidentally slip up even once by saying something true?” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “He’s still got it.”

Republicans contrasted Trump’s address favorably with the Democratic response of Sen. Elissa Slotkin, who spoke only briefly but whose remarks were riddled with facts.