Holy Mike Johnson, the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker’s gavel, is in grave danger of losing his grip on that hammer. by way of explanation, let me commit a metaphor. everyone loves a metaphor, right? especially when it’s this one.



Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand is, of course, standing in for Holy Mike Johnson. the skateboard represents four Republican Congresswomen who are furious with Holy Mike right now. and the nuts are, well, literal nuts. not everything has to be a metaphor, okay?

let’s have a look at the women who are the four skateboards of the nutpocalypse.

The first is Marjorie Three Toes Greene.



the Republican majority in the House right now stands at 220-213.

with Madge sporking her way out of Congress next month, the Republican barely-a-majority in the House will drop to 219 — making it that much harder for Holy Mike to inflict his Christofascist fuckery on We the People.

Donald J. Trump’s incoherent outbursts, drooping face, and mid-sentence naps have sparked widespread alarm about his steep mental decline. As a public service, TBR is offering the following cognitive exam to assess Trump’s acuity. For the sake of the nation and the world, we urge him to take it.

I am most afraid of
a) Sharks
b) Electric boats
c) E. Jean Carroll

The number of people who attended my first Inauguration was
a) 1.5 million
b) 15 million
c) 8.1 billion

I have never read
a) Project 2025
b) The U.S. Constitution
c) The Art of the Deal

The best lawyer in the world is
a) Lindsey Halligan
b) Alina Habba
c) Sydney Sweeney

I really hate
a) The First Amendment
b) The Twenty-fifth Amendment
c) The Ten Commandments

MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll released on Thursday reveals that a broad majority of Somalis have “no interest” in immigrating to a country led by what they termed a “shithole president.”

Though 78 percent of Somalis called current conditions in the US “just too violent,” the nation’s so-called shithole president drew their harshest criticism.

In the words of one Somali, “When I travel abroad from Somalia, I’m not embarrassed when people ask me where I’m from.”

Another remarked, “In Somalia, they would never let an alcoholic run the armed services.”

Yet another said, “Look, Somalia isn’t perfect, but at least we have a leader who can stay awake.”

It’s unfair that Trump gets to sleep through his presidency and we don’t.

Recent photos of Trump napping on the job have gone viral. But his snoozing isn’t news. Don Snoreleone has a long history of catching some z’s during work hours, as these photos reveal.

#1
December 7, 2015: At a rally in South Carolina, Trump mocks his Republican rival Jeb Bush for being “low energy.” Considering Trump’s habit of drowsing off during the day, psychiatrists might say he’s projecting. Is he really imitating Jeb here, or taking a quick catnap himself?

#2
January 20, 2017: Right after his apocalyptic inaugural address, Nap-oleon grabs forty winks at an Inauguration Day luncheon. Apparently, it’s exhausting scaring the shit out of America and the world. Meanwhile, it’s dawning on the visibly stricken Melania that she’s yoked to this nightmarish man-baby for another four years.

#3
February 7, 2017: Three weeks into his new gig, Trump hits the ground snoozing. During a meeting at the White House, the crushing tedium of being President of the United States makes him crave some shut-eye. Maybe it’ll be easier keeping his eyes open when he gets to do something interesting—like go on a foreign trip?

#4
July 13, 2017: No such luck. Any hope that he might appear sentient during a meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron vanishes when his Gallic counterpart’s remarks send him straight to the Land of Nod.