it's fantastic. i want to put it on fb and found a video on youtube

my heart goes out to you

just remember you are still loved, so much
love never dies
your love for her
and her love for you
it's the thread that will keep you connected until you meet again

for now, go slow -- move slow
grief can come in waves
knock you off balance,
so move more slowly
as you navigate these days ahead

here is one of my favorite quotes from baldwin:

the thing is -- what kind of person do you really want to be friends with?

a bigot? a racist? a misogynist? a homophobe? a hypocrite? a self-centered/self-important bully? a delusional trumper dickhead? someone whose morals, values, and ethics are vastly different than yours? someone who doesn't give one shit about things that might be important to you? someone with a total lack of social conscience or social responsibility?

someone who makes you laugh once in awhile or you can go out drinking with but when you take a good look at them you see what an ugly person they truly are? someone without heart or soul?

whatever the good part of the relationship was, was it worth it? worth the aggravation? the insults? the frustration? the anger?

some people have this tendency to think "if i only say the right thing, make them think about something long and hard, tell them enough facts, tell them enough times" they will have a "come to jesus moment" and realize the democrat was right all along and, finally convinced, they now hate trump. BUT is anything a trumper says to you going to make you hate democrats and love donald trump? just like a lot of alcoholics, that change or decision to stop drinking or get help has to come from within themselves.

i have a friend who was always arguing and fighting and referencing facts to trumpers on facebook. it didn't matter how often i'd tell him he wasn't going to change anyone's mind, he kept doing it. he never did change hearts and minds (as far as i know) but then he started a democratic fb page and only allows dems to be a part of it and now he posts political posts to his heart's content and doesn't get into pissing contests with anyone. i'm sure that has had a positive effect on his mental health. i know he's preaching to the choir but so what? he can vent, get constructive feedback, and not be triggered by a bunch of republican/trumper assholes

i'm glad you cut this asshole loose. he sounds like he was a real poison pill.

so congratulations on new beginnings

"Life with Ghosts with Stephen Berkley and Dr Jan Holden/ Seeking I" (not the documentary but an interview

with the two main creators of the doc
topic is grief and induced death communication and how that, compared to talking therapy, effects grief. spoiler: seems idc had a much more positive/healing effect on people

cause and effect - yes, i get that.

when my mom would say "everything happens for a reason" there was a hint at some universal, cosmic play at work. and there was always an implication that whatever she was commenting on was, perhaps, a good thing in the long run.

(as an example: a broken heart might lead me to finding someone else who was better for me or give me a bit of caution before plunging full steam into another relationship, or to learn to be stronger, or more independent--a good thing in the long run)

btw-- she NEVER said that in reference to my friend that was killed. my mom adored her; there was never a rhyme or reason to explain her murder or ever ever attempt to justify it (something like that can never be justified)--there were no words of comfort or solace for my mother or myself on that front.

oh yes, of course i understand what she was trying to say

i understood it then

but when my friend was killed i just couldn't hear those words anymore.
(it's been nearly fifty years and i never truly got over the loss of that girl)

in an attempt to soothe my soul (when i was a teenager) my mother used to say

"everything happens for a reason"
--to help me thru those angsty rollercoaster years of love and loss, of on again/off again friendships, relationships that ran hot and cold and some that were utterly devastating

it was said with the same intent as the phrase when one door closes another door opens
or look at it on the bright side
or every cloud has a silver lining

it was something my mom tried to offer me to give me hope that things will get better

"everything happens for a reason" (with the implication being that there was a good reason for the bad thing to happen but there is something better ahead)

(ah youth, right?)

while in the moment i was doubtful and skeptical i'd still try (sooner or later) to come around, wanting to believe her, to take it to heart in order to comfort myself thru the lows

then, at seventeen, a dear friend of mine, also seventeen, was murdered. (her killer was never caught btw)
that changed everything.

suddenly that consolation phrase of "everything happens for a reason" meant absolutely nothing
it felt like one big lie

after that, the next time my mom told me "everything happens for a reason" i yelled at her to never say that to me again. (and she never did.) i demanded to know what could possibly be the reason my friend had been brutally murdered; because some guy was mad at her or just mad at the world, or fucking crazy? i guess those are reasons but they aren't good reasons, justifiable reasons, rational reasons

there was no cloud with a silver lining. she was dead. dead, dead, dead

i broadened my perspective: the holocaust.
no good reason, no justifiable reason, nothing rational at all; crazy people, mad men, go along to get along "good" germans
there was no cloud with a silver lining
not a whisper. not a hint. not a bit.
and that horror and tragedy and devastation has lived on for generations

justice? maybe sometimes but there is no guarantee of it and it's not foolproof.
one word: trump

karma?
yeah...where is that? "what goes around comes around"
really? i don't think so.
one word: trump

i wish, i wish, i wish i was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen again with my mother telling me "everything happens for a reason" and i could assume it was a good reason, and, in spite of my skepticism, i would try with all my heart to believe what she said was true, that wrongs would be righted, that the universe was fair and just, that things would work out, and everything would be alright.

(god, i miss my mom. every day)

if you got this far then thanks for reading. i kept debating if i should just delete all this. i know it's a ramble and train of thought piece where i seem to jump the tracks a few times. sorry, i've been under the weather lately (good excuse, right?) (but true) and this was how my brain was gliding along tonight.

i never saw or knew about this tribute scene from the big bang theory that was never included

in the shows.
i just learned about it tonight

i love this series -- can't believe i never knew about this scene
anyway --

https://x.com/bigbangtheory/status/994909989981614080

so full of hope, such an amazing and wonderful time

a breath of fresh air, i felt i could catch my breath/take a breath and relax a bit
groundbreaking. making history.